Tatum O'Neal's Oscillating Fan

So, I had to make a trip to the post office today. As I arrived, there was a long line (not unusual for this location) and, lucky me, I got to stand directly behind the person who smelled like poop. Yes, poop. As if they had shat themselves. This Zelda Rubinstein-proportioned frog-looking woman was neither too young nor too old to be up to such a stink, but she was. Good times!

As the line diminished, "Froggy" was up next. While waiting for her turn, she placed her items on the mailing station/island in front of the service desk. There, I was able to get a closer look at what she was handling: a letter addressed to Tatum O'Neal, along with a copy of her hardback book, FOUND. Instantly, I was amazed by this woman's eccentricity. Not only does she not believe in bathing and/or wiping, but she has somehow retrieved Ms. O'Neal's address (presumably) and intends to send her a fan letter (the contents of which, I can only imagine). As for the book, at the time, I wasn't sure if she intended to send it along with a request for a personalized signature from Ms. O'Neal, or if she would perform a passage from it to the captive audience of one at the front desk. Whatever the case, I knew it would prove to be somewhat entertaining. And, I was somewhat correct. (A bit too predictable, but an entertaining time-waster nonetheless, with an accent on "time-waster.")

Froggy: (Stuttering) "I'd like to send this envelope and I'd like to send this book to the same address."
Postal Worker: "Well, ma'am, you will need to package the book and address it before we can move further."
Froggy: "But, but... Can you do it for me?"
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am."
Froggy: "But, but... Don't you have boxes back there that you can put it in?"
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am. Nothing to ship a large item with, just standard envelopes. You'll have to get a box from..."
Froggy: (Completely cutting him off, since she doesn't like what he has to say) "But, but... They've done it for me before..." (Classic line!)
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am. As I was saying, you'll have to go to the shipping station over there and select a box that is big enough for your item to fit in. You may also want to select one that's big enough to house another box, a bit smaller, that you can address to yourself, so that the recipient can send the item back to you."
Froggy: "What?"
Postal Worker: (Repeats previous statement.)
Froggy: "Uh... where?"
Postal Worker: "All the different sized boxes are over there by the copy machine. Once you're done packaging the item, we can help you further."
Froggy: (Blank stare) "But, but... okay, alright."
Postal Worker: (Motioning to me) "Yes, sir?!"
Me: (After waiting for the mumbling shambles of Froggy to pass by so that I can make my way to the desk) "Yes, I've got two items I'd like to ship. One for Tatum O'Neal, the other for her father, Ryan."
Postal Worker: (Laughs)
Me: "But, seriously..."

END SCENE.

So, there you have it.
Please keep Ms. Tatum O'Neal in your thoughts. Her fan base doesn't seem to be made up of the smartest bee stings. I'm hoping that when her novel gets published in paperback that it will be a revised edition, featuring a new chapter about the importance of hygiene.

More Bad Combinations

Here we have two great, fun films packaged together. The hook here seems to be that they both have Harlem in the title. What MGM forgot was that HELL UP IN HARLEM is already the second half of another double bill, since it's the sequel to BLACK CAESAR. C'mon, MGM! You own both of these Larry Cohen / Fred Williamson features and they always belong together. Of course, COTTON COMES TO HARLEM has it's own continuation, too, COME BACK, CHARLESTON BLUE. But, that's a Warner Bros. property.

Calling Warner Archive...

Okay, this is not a bad pairing. Here we have two sports-related comedies, both produced by Kings Road Entertainment. TOUCH AND GO is an alright film, more of a light romantic comedy than anything and, well, I love me some FAST BREAK. So what's the problem? Obviously, it's the cover art. First of all, the quality is total dollar shop... hell, not even that good. (One can only imagine how great the transfers on the actual discs are.) The release, itself, is quite shoddy from a company no one knows and questionably legitimate, but just HOW do you miss the mark on marketing FAST BREAK? The actor pictured here is Harold Sylvester who is definitely a large part of the film, however, he is not the star. That would be Gabe Kaplan. Remember him? Well, they obviously don't. Add to the fact that this photo of Sylvester is not related at all to the film, in fact, it was probably taken around fifteen years later. So, there you have it. A double feature of sports-related comedies featuring two comedic titans, right? Seems like a slam dunk to me, but the powers involved either missed the shot or the clock ran out.

We have a winner! Never have I seen a worse combination of two films. One is an imaginative, highly entertaining epic directed by a master filmmaker. The other is an complete shit directed by and starring a master of exactly that. Someone owes John Carpenter an apologetic hug. This is an absolute disgrace.

Bad Combinations

I grow tired of coming across abysmal studio "collections."
Whether they're double, triple or quadruple features, they really should make sense.
Here are a few that make me cringe...

Let me get this straight, you're taking a well-done slasher film and pairing it with a film from the GHOULIES franchise? Scratch that... a bastard film in the GHOULIES franchise?! Just because you own the rights to two different horror film properties doesn't make them two peas in a pod. (But, I cannot lie... I'm game for such a double bill.)

Unless they mean this is a triple feature of three out of four films that are worth a shit, I'd say this would be a QUADRUPLE feature set.

Here's one of the more ridiculous combinations I've found. Yes, they're two cross-country race films and true enough that both of the CANNONBALL RUN features were inspired by THE GUMBALL RALLY, but wouldn't it make much more sense to make this a double bill of THE CANNONBALL RUN and CANNONBALL RUN II?! I'd understand if Warner didn't have distribution rights to the original film, but that's certainly not the case. The original is currently available via HBO Video ...WHICH WARNER BROS. OWNS!

Idealistically, there is nothing wrong with this arrangement of films, but the grindhouse thing is really getting old. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love those types of films (my heart lies in exploitation / genre cinema), however, since Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez breathed new life into the term, video companies have been cashing in on it ever since. I know, I know... exploitation begets exploitation, but, what's particularly lame is when distributors don't truly understand the definition of the term, such as exampled here. There's absolutely no such thing as a "drive-in grindhouse." Not only is the term contradictory, to say the least (it's very hard to park an automobile in an actual movie theater without breaking a few laws), but it makes very little sense when one knows the difference between the two forums. Grindhouse is a term for "hardtop" theaters that specialized in the exhibition of films which would normally go unseen anywhere else, including drive-ins. That's not to say that they wouldn't showcase drive-in style fare, but it certainly wasn't what they were known for. (Think early John Waters films, pornographic pictures, questionable arthouse, European sleaze & gore fests or basically anything on 42nd Street pre-Rudolph Giuliani killing all the fun.)

Keep an eye out for the next poorly advised double bill, THE DELTA FORCE plus MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING. As for BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION III, sorry, but you're shit out of luck since MGM doesn't own the rights to DELTA FORCE 3.

STAY TUNED!
MORE TO COME!

Oscars 2010: Best & Worst Dressed

No, I haven't sold out and joined the dark side. I feel the need to comment, in written form this time, on the best dressed vs. worst dressed crap. Honestly, who cares about these things? It's all about status and "who" are you wearing. Many moons ago, Conan O'Brien was asked this question at a red carpet event, by Joan Rivers, to which he replied, "I'm wearing Sears, Joan." Perfect.

Anyhow, my point is, as much as I say I don't care about any of it, whenever I see these lists, I nearly always disagree with something or someone. Critics love to bash on celebs, but they always seem to make the pity play when it comes to people who probably aren't used to this sort of thing. I don't mean to be a jerk, but let's be brutally honest: Does Oscar nominee Gabourey Sidibe truly belong on the "best dressed" list? I think not. I know that's harsh and I would have left her alone had it not been for her making it a point to continually flaunt herself any chance the camera focused on her. It was seriously cringe-inducing at the beginning of the show, when the best actress and actor nominees stood on stage together. Everyone kept it cool and smiled when the camera got to them, but not Sidibe. Someone needs to tell this girl that this is not an audition for America's Next Top Model. Unless she's trying to secure a spokesperson gig with the Michelin Tire Co., I'd suggest a little more... make that a lot more restraint and elegance. Real women may have curves, but this one needs a reality check. That is all.

Way of the Irritating Fist

I'm constantly entertained by the inane observations of IMDB user "fistoffury". Whether he's trolling threads and spouting filth about any actor named Jessica or Kristen, simply because he doesn't like "Jessicas" or "Kristens," or coming up with ridiculous crossovers like how he could take Michael Myers if he were a Ghostbuster or simply talking up Ferris Bueller whenever it's irrelevant to do so. This fool is beyond ridiculous.

I have his history bookmarked, so I can chime in on whatever moronic threads he might be posting. Here are some of my recent jabs. Enjoy!

fistoffury on Kristen Alderson:
Ordinarily I would say that Kristen Alderson is great, the problem is, though, I don't like Kristens. From my own observations I can say that Kristens are messed up.

My response:
Yet another immature, unintelligent, unfounded and completely misguided observation from "fistoffury," ladies and gentlemen. It's as if you have a "Generate Idiocy" button on your keyboard. Truly amazing.

fistoffury on General George S. Patton:
Patton was one of the best generals in the history of the USA. It was Patton who struck fear into the Nazis and stopped them cold. People need to stop putting Patton down, he was one of the best military leaders you could ask for. If he was a bit over the top, thats what war is all about. This is the U.S military we're talking about, not a daycare service. We were fighting the Nazis, a ruthless opponent. Its times like this when we must fight fire with fire. To stop an Adolf Hitler, you need a General Patton.

My response:
At first, I thought you were talking about a daycare service, but now I realize where you're going. Don't forget how Patton Oswalt stood up against Blue Collar comedy!

fistoffury on A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1984):
So who makes a better Mr. Scrooge, General Patton (George C. Scott) or Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart). Both actors played the role in different versions of A CHRISTMAS CAROL, so who was better?

My response:
That's a tough one. I think there should be a battle royale of all the Ebenezers in one ring. Last Scrooge standing towers over all. A ninth plan is in the works to resurrect the dead, so that no gravestone will be left unturned and no Ebenezer left out. Will Albert Finney be able to defeat a zombified, flesh-eating Seymour Hicks? Will Kelsey Grammer pass the preliminaries? Will Scrooge McDuck's Irishness reign supreme? Will Rich Little be billed as himself or W.C. Fields? Will the final round impress the Dickens out of me? I can't wait to find out!

fistoffury on HUMONGOUS (1982):
They should make a remake of this movie. This is who should play the various roles.

Sandy- Kristen Stewart
Eric- Robert Pattenson
Donna- Scout-Taylor Compton
Nick- Dyllan Christopher
Carla- Dakota Fanning
Bert- Jesse Eisenburg
The Killer- Paul Donald Wight, Jr

My response:
No.

Punch Drunk Dragon Strike!

And, now, the further adventures of my favorite IMDB idiot, "fistoffury"!

fistoffury on Michael Jackson's daughter, Paris:
If Paris ever has a boy child she might name him Michael.

My response:
Criswell predicts, ladies & gentlemen!


fistoffury on FIRESTARTER (1984):
So who is better, Charlie or Human Torch? I would say Human Torch, who goes by the name Johnny Storm, is better. He can create hotter fires not to mention shroud his body in flames. He can also fly. So Human Torch is cooler. FLAME ON!

My response:
Harvey Fierstein could scorch them both.


fistoffury on Jessica Koen*:
Jessica Koen is a complete loser. If people think that Jessica Simpson is a complete screw up, after all, she really hurt Nick, she then gets dumped by Tony and copes with it by getting drung and being a complete wreck, not even Jessica Simpson is as bad as this other Jessica, Jessica Koen. Jessica Koen indeed makes Jessica Simpson look like a decent person. Jessica Koen is the entire definition of mean, cruel, and destructive! She does nothing but betray people and stab people in the back and she will mess up anybody's life who she comes into contact with!

My response:
Isn't it also true that you have a general affection for anyone named "Jessica"?


fistoffury on Nick Lachey:
Its too bad that Nick isn't a Sith Lord. If he was he could do Force Lightning on Jessica, just like the Emperor did to Luke in ROTJ.

My response:
It's too bad that the population of your fantasy world is "one". Or, is that "negative one"?


fistoffury on YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION (1979):
Ross, the producer of the show, played by the late Les Lye, I don't remember him ever getting slimed or soaked from saying the magical words, "I don't know," or "water," but recently I stumbled upon some youtube videos that have multiple scenes of him getting repeatedly slimed and soaked. So does anybody know what that is from? I never did see him get slimed or soaked when I was watching the show.

My response:
The YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION wrap parties were the stuff of legend and quite notorious for that sort of thing. Not only were people getting slimed and soaked, they were also getting bonked, toasted, clobbered, oft-considered, wind-jammered, jan-hammered, spadoinked, cajoled, teetered, tossed, fadoodled, brackishly bridled, catnipped, lozenged, influxed and pepper-sprayed. The latter, of course, was certainly a "before it's time" occurrence, that managed to arrive right on schedule. The grate Kermit Schaeffer wrote a rather racy novella, which is the nearest thing next-to-impossible to find, based upon these particular extravaganzas and other backstage, off-camera tom foolery, entitled "What You Couldn't Do On Television, You Still Can't Do (...But, You Can Read About It All In This Here Book!)," printed only twice by Tamley Publications.



* I haven't the foggiest who Jessica Koen is either.

IMDB Idiot of the Moment: fistoffury

The following was originally posted on IMDB
The place: Message boards for Alia Shawkat
Look for me, "johnmorghen"!

Thread: "Not that good looking" by fistoffury

fistoffury:
Alia is not all that good looking, she is at best, grungy looking. This is best seen in movies such as Deck the Halls where she looks so plain and mediocre next to those two twin knockouts. So I dont see why people are going head over heels for her, she isnt all that great.

Long story short is that he pisses off her fans with such a comment and I eventually jump in, having also researched fistoffury's message board history, which, turns out to be quite as sad and immature as his recent comment.

johnmorghen:
Just so everyone knows, "fistoffury" is a sad case, and when he isn't posting crap like this or thought-provoking debates such as "Unicron vs. Superman" or "MacGyver Vs. Jigsaw," he enjoys berating various actors and characters. Here are two samples from his message board history:

Hayden is a girl's name!!!
"Just so you all know, Hayden is a girl's name! Therefore Hayden Christensen is a boy with a girl's name! ha ha HA! You see, there is this girl, Hayden, who stars in this television show called Heroes. Hayden is the name of the actress, whose a girl, therefore, Hayden Christensen has a girl's name. That must be very embarrassing for him."

OR, this gem:

Kermit and Fozzie are gay
"Especially in this muppet movie, its made obvious enough that Kermit and Fozzie are gay. The earlier muppet movies hint at their homosexuality but this one really hits home. Kermit, who sings the song "Rainbow Connection" is unusually neat, and who is delicate and feminine, we know from that much hes gay. Fozzie immediately hooks up with him in the first muppet movie and they stay closely hooked throughout the rest of their careers as muppets, the two are unseperable. In this movie, as well as some of the earlier movies Kermit has a hard time returning Miss Piggy's affections. In this movie, when they all split up and Fozzie goes into hybernating, when a female bear snuggles up to him he screams for Kermit. In this movie when Piggy and Kermit get married Kermit is hesitant to say "I do." The whole wedding was just an obvious cover up for Kermit's homosexuality and for his affairs with Fozzie. The real ending would show Kermit and Fozzie going off into the sunset together."

Anyone's desire to post on an IMDB message board for an actor whom they do not like, to criticize them while offending true fans, should speak volumes about their insecurities and their lack of well-spent personal time. "fistoffury" is immature to say the least and these posts concerning Alia Shawkat should be dismissed entirely.