TIMECOP ROCK!

Just the other day (or was it the other week?), I was scrolling the eBay and came across what might be the best eBay listing ever...

Butt seriously...

You never know what you'll find when searching eBay.

Being the avid Jean-Claude Van Damme fan that I am, I was searching TIMECOP movie memorabilia (yeah, da's right!) when I came across something that truly boggled my mind... a one of a kind painting/mock poster for the Van Damme-less sequel, TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION. While I haven't seen the film, I do know that it stars Jason Scott Lee and Thomas Ian Griffith, but not Mick Jagger in a dual role as this particular artwork suggests.

The artist is South African and such works were, most likely, done to promote films at a local video store which might not have had access to the typical publicity materials. Either that or he's a huge fan of re-rendering published artwork as a pastime. Such posters weren't uncommon in decades past, but TIMECOP 2 is a 2003 film and this is the first I've seen of such works within the 21st century.

As I had suspected, there's a slew of mock posters listed among the seller's other items. Again, these are all a bit mind-boggling to me, but so extraordinarily bad (and dare I say kitschy?!), that I had to collect photos of some of the worst of the worst to share here. Happy viewing!

Not a horrible copy, yet the damsel in distress has a bad case of wonky vision.

Upon closer inspection, I don't recall Maria Conchito Alonso being in this. Hmmm...

More like CRAYONS VS. FINGERPAINTS

a.k.a. AGAINST THE PORK

Judging from the "babe" to the right, there's more than one snake threat in this film.

Co-starring Demond Wilson as Carl Weathers and Terry "Hulk" Hogan as "Big Dummy."

Never heard of this one, but I'm oddly intrigued... just not arranging-a-vacation-to-South-Africa-to-rent-this intrigued.

All this time, I thought Michelle Rodriguez co-starred in this BRUTAL FILM!

How do we trick customers into renting BLOODRAYNE 2 instead of the original BLOODRAYNE? (Pssstttt... We won't paint a "2" on the poster!)

"Hi, Valley Home Video? Yes, I was in your store earlier today and meant to pick up that Sinbad movie starring Patrick Wayne, but when I got home and opened the rental case, the tape for THE CALIF OF BAGDAD was in it's place. Apparently, it co-stars a woman who has endured several upon several brick hits to the face ...and I had my heart set on Jane Seymour. I want my 1.50 in shillings credited to my account, please."

Steve Austin or Chunk Voorhees? You decide!

"I need to commission another poster from you. Turns out that neither Johnny Depp nor Omar Epps star in BLOOD DIAMOND."

I've never heard of this one and that's the end of discussion ...2.

Fuck it. I think I'll rent LA BAMBA again.

Obviously not the Clive Barker film and it looks to be a real hack job. Gerf!

When you're IN HELL, advertising that you are "in" IN HELL is nothing short of redundant.

For the uninitiated, this represents the short-lived MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST television series. I was a fan. Better than the movies, in my opinion. Anyway... well, I've got nothing. I just like MKC.

OUTSIDE THE LAW and outside the realm of possibility that we're supposed to believe that's Cynthia Rothrock.

First of all, they've confused their David Carradine with their Martin Sheen. Secondly, this one isn't that bad and a much more realistic build to Carradine's character than the U.S. one sheet boasted. A Cannon Group fave!

I've had little to no interest in seeing QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY and this certainly isn't helping.

Anthony LaPage?! Anne Parilla?! Who the fuck is Joe Gennaro?! While I love John Landis' film, I don't think I'm ready for this alternate version which apparently stars Danny Thomas and Taimak.

You ARE trying to entice viewers, right?

POTTY BREAK!

RONNY COX?!

Clearly this isn't THE ROAD WARRIOR, but I'd suspect that it's THUNDER WARRIOR instead, since that definitely looks like Mark Gregory, but that doesn't look like Bo Svenson. Ah, hell... I give up!

Alright, aside from the non-intimidating small henchman in the bottom right corner, this doesn't look too bad.

Fact: I'm a Daniel Bernhardt fan. Another fact: TRUE VENGEANCE is my favorite of his films. Another 'nother fact: Paul Le Mat does not appear in this film. One more another fact: Unless this is a composite version which incorporates scenes from Bernhardt's BLOODSPORT II: THE NEXT KUMITE, there should be no Kumite-leaping action on this poster.

I have no clue what film they're representing with this one, but ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE lawyers should take note!

Just when you thought this post was over, you've taken a second WRONG TURN and are now you're riding an inbred, big wheel nightmare in a cul-de-sac just south of nowhere. Be scared!

A Truly Odd Coupling

Yes, it seems a bit strange, but considering these were two of Paramount's biggest money makers in 1968, this double bill does seem quite fitting.

Damn, I wish I was around during that time to catch this!

I haven't been on here in... AGES!

And, this is my first post in a long time. Well, I'm back.

First of all, I'm not really interested in seeing ROCK OF AGES, but being a stickler for detail and a life-long KISS fan, I can't not make mention of the tremendous faux pas which is in plain view on the theatrical poster. My guess is that Alec Baldwin's character is not a time traveler and if this is a period film which takes place in 1987, then why is he sporting a KISS tee from their Alive Worldwide/Reunion tour of 1996?!

Lazy, folks.

To add insult to injury, Russell Brand is in the film!

That is all.
Time for some gripe water...

Dearest Amber...

I haven't thanked you enough over the years.

That is all.

OU8ta2?!

DISCLAIMER:
I realize this entry is far from the beaten path of this blog's intended purpose. But, it's my damn dirty blog and I'll cry if I wanna, see?!

Not entirely certain what the purpose of this latest offering from Wolfgang Van Halen & Co. truly is, but (strictly for grins and possible guffaws) I thought I'd give the lyrics a go (my best interpretation, at least). So, in true 'read along adventure' book & record &/or tape style fashion, dig these crazy lyrics while the music video plays.

Let's begin now!



TATTOO! TATTOO!

I got Elvis on my elbow.
What I fix, Elvis jogged.
I've got hoot owls on the back of my legs.
Cream cheese who-ores when I walk.
Sleeping cherry red...
Screaming 'lectric green...
Mo-mo mountain's majesty will talk to me...
Talk to me, babe!

(CHORUS)
Swap meet salad...
Tramp's damp cat...
Mousewife to momshell in the time it took to get that new tattoo...
Tattoo. Tattoo.

TATTOO! TATTOO!

Show me your dragon magic...
So, I don't buy your crappy!
Best believe that needle will hurt you.
Best decieve these true colors that follow one of your false virtues.
There's a secret to make you think.
Why is this crazy stuff we never sell poultry in ink?
Spooky Lego bread...
Explode opaque...
Mo-mo mountain's majesty, show me you, I'll show you me.

(MORE CHORUS)
Swap meet salad...
Tramp's damp cat...
Mousewife to momshell in the time it took to get that new tattoo...
Tattoo. Tattoo.
WHOOO!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
Saggy dragon matches!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
So very auto-bio-graphic!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
Got a hold on may!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
People put a spell on may!
Hey-ey! Hey-ey! Hey-heah!
Brown dove! Do-ove!
???????? Ahhhh-ahhhh! Yeah-ah-ah!

(Guitar Solo)

Ol' Bo Derek had a cold tattoo...
Fe-fi-fo, the unions...

Some of us still doo.
On my shoulder is a number of the cabin he was in...
And, that number is forever like the struggle here to win.
Everybody! 

(AGAIN WITH THE CHORUS)
Swap meet salad...

Tramp's damp cat...
Mousewife to momshell in the time it took to get that new tattoo...
Tattoo. Tattoo.
Tattoo. Tattoo.
TATTOO! TATTOO!
Sexy dragon magic!
TATTOO! TATTOO!

Whoo!
So very auto-bio-graphic(al)!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
Got a hold on may!
TATTOO! TATTOO! *
Put a spell on may!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
I'll be in love with you!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
Show me me, show me you!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
Look at me and look at Yor!
TATTOO! TATTOO!
WHOOOOOOOOO!

The End.

* While "tattoo" is mentioned several times, this particular verse sounds like "Type Two! Type Two!" ...or, that's just me.

Random Musings: Blah Dogs

Remember that classic scene in Sam Peckinpah's STRAW DOGS when Dustin Hoffman and Susan George went to an American football game and were harrassed while on their way to finding their seats?
Well, good news...
They seem to have done it justice in the 2011 remake.
Yippee!

Random Musings: The Devil's Rain

Recently, I watched THE DEVIL'S RAIN again for the first time in years. (I'm thinking the last time had to be back in the TBS Nite Flix era.) This time around, one particular aspect of the film grabbed me which, for some reason, I had never noticed before...

Okay, everyone knows the story of how Tommy Lee Wallace bought a Don Post mask of Captain Kirk, then treated it for the Shape's look in John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN. The mask was chosen due to it's expressionless / emotionless vibe, but I wonder if there could have been another reason. Honestly, I doubt that there was, but when I saw this striking visual of a bedeviled William Shatner (pale with empty eye sockets and a head tilt, no less) in THE DEVIL'S RAIN (released three years prior to HALLOWEEN), the comparison to that of Michael Myers was ghoulishly uncanny...

Also, if I didn't know better, in the poster art (see above), it looks like Ernest Borgnine is chatting on a cell phone. 911, perhaps?

DON'T eat the Jell-O pudding!

The porn industry has always been known for cashing in on a craze whether it be film or television related, but in recent years, there seems to be a major movement in creating such parodies. While, I haven't seen any of these, I can't help but be amused by both their audacity and creativity (so to speak) and one look at their cover art usually provokes a good laugh. It's as if The Asylum had an "adults only" wing.

This particular film, NOT THE COSBY SHOW (XXX) sparks the most interest in terms of taboo, since Bill Cosby would be outraged and, as much as I respect Cosby, that strikes me as pretty damn funny.

From the looks of this trailer, kudos to the cast and production for actually trying to make a worthwhile clone, porn or not.



Finally, Bill Cosby can detest another filmmaker after almost having an "ANGEL HEART attack," back in the late '80s, thanks to the great Alan Parker.

While we're at it, why not make LEONARD, PART 69?

Random Musings: Tiger Of The Month!

(Drumroll)
Survey says... Henry Winkler!

Ladies... ladies... control yo'selves!
(Pinch)

Random Musings: Jaws 2

So, I had a bit of a JAWS marathon today.

During JAWS 2, after the sequence where Chief Martin Brody "starts a panic on a public beach" he receives an inspiring call from Phil Fogarty, with news of developed photos from the missing divers' camera. Brody arrives immediately and sees a couple of photos and presses Fogarty for more, to which Fogarty responds that he has another batch waiting to be developed. Together they venture into the dark room and process a mysterious photo which Brody is certain to prove his argument that another great white is at fault for the recent unexplained deaths and disappearances on the island.



With one look, he's convinced that's all the proof he needs, exclaiming, "That's the one," and marches off to the town hall meeting already-in-progress to present this evidence. Of course, no one sees what he sees, even after he's described that the shark's eye is clearly visible, along with a rather murky outline of the mouth.



So, during each viewing, I always come to the same conclusion:
Fogarty had an entire batch of undeveloped photos and Brody doesn't wait for anything further. A clear case of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" and Brody might have been able to present better evidence, thereby convincing the board and keeping his job as chief of police.

Instead, he loses the argument and position, leaving Deputy Hendricks in the wings (whose first name is "Lenny" in the original, but everyone involved on the production of the sequel seems to have forgotten that and insist on referring to him as "Jeff" after the actor's actual name).

Just a thought.

Random Musings: Grey Gardens

Can't help but wonder if Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore shared any Carlo Rambaldi stories whilst filming together.

Hollywood's Candy Bar

I saw Peter Berg's latest film, HANCOCK, today. In it, there's a scene which involves Hollywood's turn-to candy bar, Zagnut.

Coincidentally, I recently viewed Walter Hill's 48 HRS. again, a film which contains one of the more classic Zagnut-related scenes where Eddie Murphy complains of not getting fed to which Nick Nolte responds by handing him a Zagnut from a vending machine and barking, "There's your fucking dinner!"

So, why Zagnut? I never understood that. I've never consumed a Zagnut bar in my life, and can't remember having ever seen one, although I know they do exist. Hollywood used to have a similar fascination with Tab Cola. With as much product placement these two brands have received in films and television over the past thirty years, it amazes me that there has never been a cross promotion of any kind. I realize Hershey's owns Zagnut and Coca-Cola owns Tab, yet to my knowledge, there has been no direct tie-ins with either of these products. Seems strange.

Just an observation, not a revelation.



Speaking of Eddie Murphy...
MEET DAVE? Really? I mean, REALLY?!
O' how I miss vintage Eddie.
He used to make entertaining films.