Behind Them Scenes: THE FRENCH CONNECTION

THE FRENCH CONNECTION

20th Century-Fox Film Corporation, 1971

Directed by William Friedkin

Starring Gene Hackman and Roy Scheider

Tatum O'Neal's Oscillating Fan

So, I had to make a trip to the post office today. As I arrived, there was a long line (not unusual for this location) and, lucky me, I got to stand directly behind the person who smelled like poop. Yes, poop. As if they had shat themselves. This Zelda Rubinstein-proportioned frog-looking woman was neither too young nor too old to be up to such a stink, but she was. Good times!

As the line diminished, "Froggy" was up next. While waiting for her turn, she placed her items on the mailing station/island in front of the service desk. There, I was able to get a closer look at what she was handling: a letter addressed to Tatum O'Neal, along with a copy of her hardback book, FOUND. Instantly, I was amazed by this woman's eccentricity. Not only does she not believe in bathing and/or wiping, but she has somehow retrieved Ms. O'Neal's address (presumably) and intends to send her a fan letter (the contents of which, I can only imagine). As for the book, at the time, I wasn't sure if she intended to send it along with a request for a personalized signature from Ms. O'Neal, or if she would perform a passage from it to the captive audience of one at the front desk. Whatever the case, I knew it would prove to be somewhat entertaining. And, I was somewhat correct. (A bit too predictable, but an entertaining time-waster nonetheless, with an accent on "time-waster.")

Froggy: (Stuttering) "I'd like to send this envelope and I'd like to send this book to the same address."
Postal Worker: "Well, ma'am, you will need to package the book and address it before we can move further."
Froggy: "But, but... Can you do it for me?"
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am."
Froggy: "But, but... Don't you have boxes back there that you can put it in?"
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am. Nothing to ship a large item with, just standard envelopes. You'll have to get a box from..."
Froggy: (Completely cutting him off, since she doesn't like what he has to say) "But, but... They've done it for me before..." (Classic line!)
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am. As I was saying, you'll have to go to the shipping station over there and select a box that is big enough for your item to fit in. You may also want to select one that's big enough to house another box, a bit smaller, that you can address to yourself, so that the recipient can send the item back to you."
Froggy: "What?"
Postal Worker: (Repeats previous statement.)
Froggy: "Uh... where?"
Postal Worker: "All the different sized boxes are over there by the copy machine. Once you're done packaging the item, we can help you further."
Froggy: (Blank stare) "But, but... okay, alright."
Postal Worker: (Motioning to me) "Yes, sir?!"
Me: (After waiting for the mumbling shambles of Froggy to pass by so that I can make my way to the desk) "Yes, I've got two items I'd like to ship. One for Tatum O'Neal, the other for her father, Ryan."
Postal Worker: (Laughs)
Me: "But, seriously..."

END SCENE.

So, there you have it.
Please keep Ms. Tatum O'Neal in your thoughts. Her fan base doesn't seem to be made up of the smartest bee stings. I'm hoping that when her novel gets published in paperback that it will be a revised edition, featuring a new chapter about the importance of hygiene.

Behind Them Scenes: THE HOWLING

Joe Dante directs a werewolf...

THE HOWLING
Avco-Embassy Pictures, Inc., 1981
Directed by Joe Dante

Great Quotations

Today's great quotation:

"All ye suckers who are gonna get trimmed, step this way for
the big swindle!"
- Groucho Marx as Hammer from THE COCOANUTS (1929)

More Bad Combinations

Here we have two great, fun films packaged together. The hook here seems to be that they both have Harlem in the title. What MGM forgot was that HELL UP IN HARLEM is already the second half of another double bill, since it's the sequel to BLACK CAESAR. C'mon, MGM! You own both of these Larry Cohen / Fred Williamson features and they always belong together. Of course, COTTON COMES TO HARLEM has it's own continuation, too, COME BACK, CHARLESTON BLUE. But, that's a Warner Bros. property.

Calling Warner Archive...

Okay, this is not a bad pairing. Here we have two sports-related comedies, both produced by Kings Road Entertainment. TOUCH AND GO is an alright film, more of a light romantic comedy than anything and, well, I love me some FAST BREAK. So what's the problem? Obviously, it's the cover art. First of all, the quality is total dollar shop... hell, not even that good. (One can only imagine how great the transfers on the actual discs are.) The release, itself, is quite shoddy from a company no one knows and questionably legitimate, but just HOW do you miss the mark on marketing FAST BREAK? The actor pictured here is Harold Sylvester who is definitely a large part of the film, however, he is not the star. That would be Gabe Kaplan. Remember him? Well, they obviously don't. Add to the fact that this photo of Sylvester is not related at all to the film, in fact, it was probably taken around fifteen years later. So, there you have it. A double feature of sports-related comedies featuring two comedic titans, right? Seems like a slam dunk to me, but the powers involved either missed the shot or the clock ran out.

We have a winner! Never have I seen a worse combination of two films. One is an imaginative, highly entertaining epic directed by a master filmmaker. The other is an complete shit directed by and starring a master of exactly that. Someone owes John Carpenter an apologetic hug. This is an absolute disgrace.

Behind Them Scenes: PSYCHO II

PSYCHO II
Universal City Studios, Inc., 1983
Directed by Richard Franklin
Starring Anthony Perkins

Bad Combinations

I grow tired of coming across abysmal studio "collections."
Whether they're double, triple or quadruple features, they really should make sense.
Here are a few that make me cringe...

Let me get this straight, you're taking a well-done slasher film and pairing it with a film from the GHOULIES franchise? Scratch that... a bastard film in the GHOULIES franchise?! Just because you own the rights to two different horror film properties doesn't make them two peas in a pod. (But, I cannot lie... I'm game for such a double bill.)

Unless they mean this is a triple feature of three out of four films that are worth a shit, I'd say this would be a QUADRUPLE feature set.

Here's one of the more ridiculous combinations I've found. Yes, they're two cross-country race films and true enough that both of the CANNONBALL RUN features were inspired by THE GUMBALL RALLY, but wouldn't it make much more sense to make this a double bill of THE CANNONBALL RUN and CANNONBALL RUN II?! I'd understand if Warner didn't have distribution rights to the original film, but that's certainly not the case. The original is currently available via HBO Video ...WHICH WARNER BROS. OWNS!

Idealistically, there is nothing wrong with this arrangement of films, but the grindhouse thing is really getting old. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love those types of films (my heart lies in exploitation / genre cinema), however, since Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez breathed new life into the term, video companies have been cashing in on it ever since. I know, I know... exploitation begets exploitation, but, what's particularly lame is when distributors don't truly understand the definition of the term, such as exampled here. There's absolutely no such thing as a "drive-in grindhouse." Not only is the term contradictory, to say the least (it's very hard to park an automobile in an actual movie theater without breaking a few laws), but it makes very little sense when one knows the difference between the two forums. Grindhouse is a term for "hardtop" theaters that specialized in the exhibition of films which would normally go unseen anywhere else, including drive-ins. That's not to say that they wouldn't showcase drive-in style fare, but it certainly wasn't what they were known for. (Think early John Waters films, pornographic pictures, questionable arthouse, European sleaze & gore fests or basically anything on 42nd Street pre-Rudolph Giuliani killing all the fun.)

Keep an eye out for the next poorly advised double bill, THE DELTA FORCE plus MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING. As for BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION III, sorry, but you're shit out of luck since MGM doesn't own the rights to DELTA FORCE 3.

STAY TUNED!
MORE TO COME!

Great Quotations

Today's Great Quotation:

"I'm not going into an alley with you or anybody.
And, fuck The Wall Street Journal!"

- Robert Redford as Joseph Turner in
Sydney Pollack's THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1975)

Random Musings: Blah Dogs

Remember that classic scene in Sam Peckinpah's STRAW DOGS when Dustin Hoffman and Susan George went to an American football game and were harrassed while on their way to finding their seats?
Well, good news...
They seem to have done it justice in the 2011 remake.
Yippee!

Random Musings: The Devil's Rain

Recently, I watched THE DEVIL'S RAIN again for the first time in years. (I'm thinking the last time had to be back in the TBS Nite Flix era.) This time around, one particular aspect of the film grabbed me which, for some reason, I had never noticed before...

Okay, everyone knows the story of how Tommy Lee Wallace bought a Don Post mask of Captain Kirk, then treated it for the Shape's look in John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN. The mask was chosen due to it's expressionless / emotionless vibe, but I wonder if there could have been another reason. Honestly, I doubt that there was, but when I saw this striking visual of a bedeviled William Shatner (pale with empty eye sockets and a head tilt, no less) in THE DEVIL'S RAIN (released three years prior to HALLOWEEN), the comparison to that of Michael Myers was ghoulishly uncanny...

Also, if I didn't know better, in the poster art (see above), it looks like Ernest Borgnine is chatting on a cell phone. 911, perhaps?

Monster Blurbs - Vol. 6

Marquee Chimps - Vol. 6

Closed for the season.

Monster Blurbs - Vol. 5

HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1944)

Marquee Chimps - Vol. 5

Our hamburgers are deee-licious! Available at our concession stand! Try one now!

Monster Blurbs - Vol. 4

THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (1973)

Marquee Chimps - Vol. 4

Pizza by the slice at our concession stand!

Monster Blurbs - Vol. 3

BLACK FRIDAY (1940)

Marquee Chimps - Vol. 3

Tune your radio dial to 95.3 FM!

Monster Blurbs - Vol. 2

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)

Behind Them Scenes: THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
Hallmark/American-International, 1972
Directed by Wes Craven
Starring David Hess, Jeramie Rain and Fred Lincoln