Awesome Overheard Conversation du jour

To set the scene, I'm standing in the front of the checkout line at Best Buy. Directly up above me is a television monitor showing promo spots and music videos. The sight of the trailer to THE PINK PANTHER remake astounds the young couple behind me. Now, just imagine you're a miniaturized Dennis Quaid, living inside my ear, and listen (to what the flower people say)...

Guy: "Ahhh, I love that movie!"
Girl: "Yeah, it was really funny!"
Guy: "Steve Martin's soooo funny!"
Girl: "Who is that one guy? Kevin Kline?"
Guy: "I'm not sure. Hey, who played the Pink Panther?"
Girl: "Dunno."
Guy: "Oh, that's right. He was animated."
Girl: "Yeah, I don't think he's actually a character in the film."
Guy: "That's soooo STUPID! Why do they have him animated and the movie's called PINK PANTHER and he's not even in it?!"
Girl: "Dunno."
Best Buy Cashier: "Next!"
Nathan: "Thank Christ!"
Scene fades as Nathan is seen giving a non-approving nod to cashier who informs him that with today's purchase he will receive 8 free issues of blah-blah-blah...
END SCENE

Cast of Characters:
"Nathan" - - - - Himself
"Guy" - - - - Some doorknob with a pooka-shell necklace
"Girl" - - - - Some girl with a turd-like face and matching figure
"Best Buy Cashier" - - - - Himself (part-time)

Special thanks: Rick James, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Supertramp and The Rolling Stones.


The preceding post is dedicated to the memory of Peter Sellers, but not to the lack of memory and/or common sense of others.

Delta Force 3: The Killing Game

For years, I avoided this film. No Chuck Norris = No Nathan Martin! But as a true Cannon aficionado (granted, I'm not a huge fan of the post-Golan Cannon films, of which, this is one), I eventually got around to watching it. Sam Firstenberg's direction is a definite plus. Firstenberg nearly patterned the Cannon Films' action mold, so how could I truly pass this up? Any film should make an early attempt at grabbing it's audience's interest and this film does a fine job as we are treated to a topless female. From that point, no longer was this film just playing in the background. I then promptly took a front row seat.

Before Nick Cassavetes (son of Gena Rowlands and John Cassavetes) became the accomplished filmmaker we now know him as, he starred in a slew of "b" pictures. Here he heads the JOYRIDE* style cast of fellow second generation actors, Mike Norris, Eric Douglas and Matthew Penn. Unfortunately, the film suffers from a horrible score (which incorporates and butchers Alan Silvestri's terrific theme from the original). I'm no composer for certain, but I've done much better pieces on my Casio.

I'm always looking for film connections and since both Nick Cassavetes and Matthew Penn are in this, could this have been the introduction of Nick to Matthew's brother, Sean Penn, thereby resulting in SHE'S SO LOVELY? I'd like to think so, and therefore, this film deserves mention.

Not too thought-provoking and surely nothing in the classic sense, yet overall, DELTA FORCE 3 serves as a nice time killer. Naturally, this is nowhere near the fun of THE DELTA FORCE or DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION (a.k.a. DELTA FORCE 2: OPERATION STRANGLEHOLD) and Chuck Norris' absense is surely felt.

The DVD is one for the "bare bones" pile, offering one more feature than that of a "Universal Selection"... an actual menu. I'm sticking with my laserdisc.


* JOYRIDE is a Joseph Ruben film which coincidentally features second generation actors in the four lead roles: Desi Arnaz, Jr., Robert Carradine, Melanie Griffith and Anne Lockhart.

John Carpenter's "Cigarette Burns"

To me, the best thing about Mick Garris' MASTERS OF HORROR series is the return to form for some of my absolute favorite horror filmmakers.

CIGARETTE BURNS is a great example of all the right elements falling into place and giving a great showcase for a director who deserves just that. Some will say this film is a return to form for Carpenter. I disagree, simply because I am a devout Carpenter fan and have appreciated all his films. SO THERE!

Norman Reedus is always good (even in the insane SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY). The plot itself is an obvious parallel to Roman Polanski's highly underrated THE NINTH GATE. Another connection I noticed was that the main character's mission in each film is assigned by a former Dracula, Frank Langella in THE NINTH GATE and Udo Kier in this film. Aside from these similarities, the story works quite well. I have to say that while the premise may seem ridiculous in theory, I've always followed the logic of trusting filmmakers and there are some who have betrayed that trust. Brings to mind my fear/fascination of certain films and/or the legends behind them and their filmmakers. SALO being a perfect example.

Without giving anything away, there's a particular moment where a character stabs himself in not one, but both eye sockets, with a seemingly six-inch-long instrument. That's fine. But to portray the moment as if the same instrument would not penetrate and kill the brain, instead leaving the character continuing to speak, is completely absurd and, for me, hard to overlook. That's my "oh well" gripe for today.

Note: Cody Carpenter (son of John Carpenter and Adrienne Barbeau) makes his film scoring debut here and it's a nice, subtle work.

Mansion Of The Doomed

Nothing quite says love and devotion like MANSION OF THE DOOMED. No, I'm not suggesting a future Valentine's gift for that special someone (although, the DVD did come out recently and it might get you more sugar than a previously viewed Bingo brand VHS could).

For whatever reason, I really dig this bizarre film. The late, great Richard Basehart stars as Dr. Chaney, an eye surgeon determined to make medical history by restoring eyesight to the blind, with the help of some unwitting and unwilling donors. His blind daughter is his test subject. The first surgery goes alright, except that her vision cuts off shortly after, provoking Chaney to seek another donor. Needless to say, the following surgery has the same side effect, causing the determined Chaney to prey upon nearly every acquaintance he meets, subjecting his daughter to countless additional surgeries. Soon he has a collection of "the eyeless" in his laboratory. Clearly Chaney doesn't follow the wisdom of the great W.C. Fields. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no sense making a damn fool of yourself!" So many victims, so little eyesight, what to do, what to do, tisk, tisk...

SEE Lance Henriksen get his eyeballs "lanced," and therefore he can no longer SEE!
HEAR the continual moaning of Dr. Chaney's eyeless prisoners!
SEE an escapee hit by a passing motor vehicle. They can't see, remember?!
HEAR an unauthorized cue from Pink Floyd's "Welcome To The Machine" in an early nightmare sequence!

FEEL cheated by the fact that exploitation film goddess Marilyn Joi bares no extra skin!
KNOW that actor Michael Pataki directed this film and also collaborated with producer Charles Band again on ZOLTAN... HOUND OF DRACULA!

DIG the entire affair from beginning to end!

PLEASE be KIND and REWIND!

USA Network Memories

A long time ago, from a cable box and/or satellite far, far away...
Back in the day, the USA Network had to be one of the best cable networks around. This channel provided so much in genres of horror, sci-fi and exploitation. Basically, films you may never see on television again, severely truncated or not. Honestly, what other network had the nerve to air Paul Morrisey films, such as FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN and BLOOD FOR DRACULA? Sure, they were edited beyond recognition at points, packed with re-composed shots of an actor's face being super-zoomed-in on during a moment of bodily torment. Imagine the shot in "Frankenstein" when Udo Kier's hand is severed or the moment when his character meets it's demise in a "dis-heartening" (Spoiler alert... Ah, too late!) form of punishment. "What's happening to Udo?! He looks constipated!"
My point is that commercial television won't pay these films such consideration, ever again. And, that's a shame, considering how such airings broadened my film tastes and influenced me to seek out the uncut versions to these classic and not-so classic films.

For what it's worth, here's a brief list of some of the films I had the pleasure to witness on vintage USA, circa 1987-1991...

As seen on COMMANDER USA's GROOVIE MOVIES:

• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
• THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR
• C.H.U.D.
• DEMONOID
• DEVIL'S NIGHTMARE
• DOCTOR DRACULA
• THE FINAL TERROR
• FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL
• LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH
• NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (Colorized)
• A POLISH VAMPIRE IN BURBANK
• THE SWARM
• TOXIC ZOMBIES

As seen on USA SATURDAY NIGHTMARES:

• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
• THE APPOINTMENT
• BASKET CASE
• BLOODBATH AT THE HOUSE OF DEATH
• THE BROOD
• THE CHILDREN
• DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS
• DAY OF THE DEAD
• DEADLY EYES
• DEVIL TIMES FIVE
• DREAM SLAYER (BLOOD SONG)
• THE EXORCIST
• EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC
• GROTESQUE
• THE HAND
• HELLO, MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II
• IT'S ALIVE
• IT LIVES AGAIN (IT'S ALIVE 2)
• LASERBLAST
• THE LONG DARK NIGHT (THE PACK)
• NEON MANIACS
• NIGHT OF THE CREEPS
• NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (Colorized)
• OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN
• THE POSSESSION OF JOEL DELANEY
• Q - THE WINGED SERPENT
• RABID
• RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD
• RAZORBACK
• SHOCK WAVES
• SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: INITIATION
• SLUGS
• TOURIST TRAP
• THE UNSEEN
• THE VIDEO DEAD
• ZOLTAN... HOUND OF DRACULA
• ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE

Not to mention all of the great films, horrorific or not, appearing late nite on Friday and Saturday's installments of USA UP! ALL NIGHT, hosted respectively by Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried. Good times.

Romasanta: The Werewolf Hunt

I had heard about this film under it's original title, ROMASANTA, but lost track of it. Since I love me some werewolves, I recently found a DVD titled WEREWOLF HUNTER, and to my surprise, it's the same film. Of course, this is the less-impressive American title and the DVD is available through Lionsgate with two different covers (both quite atrocious and not worth showcasing here). Having little choice, I grabbed this inferior version and loved the film.

Without giving too much away, this isn't your typical lycanthropic affair. This aspect may turn off some viewers, but that's what makes the film so special. Director Paco Plaza delivers a refreshing, original take on a well-established folk tale.

Julian Sands is terrific as always, but the real standout here is newcomer Elsa Pataky. She's gorgeous and fits the precedings quite well. (Not to mention, her bathtub scene... Yowza! Yowza! Yowza!)