Monday, September 17, 2012

Butt seriously...

You never know what you'll find when searching eBay.

Being the avid Jean-Claude Van Damme fan that I am, I was searching TIMECOP movie memorabilia (yeah, da's right!) when I came across something that truly boggled my mind... a one of a kind painting/mock poster for the Van Damme-less sequel, TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION. While I haven't seen the film, I do know that it stars Jason Scott Lee and Thomas Ian Griffith, but not Mick Jagger in a dual role as this particular artwork suggests.

The artist is South African and such works were, most likely, done to promote films at a local video store which might not have had access to the typical publicity materials. Either that or he's a huge fan of re-rendering published artwork as a pastime. Such posters weren't uncommon in decades past, but TIMECOP 2 is a 2003 film and this is the first I've seen of such works within the 21st century.

As I had suspected, there's a slew of mock posters listed among the seller's other items. Again, these are all a bit mind-boggling to me, but so extraordinarily bad (and dare I say kitschy?!), that I had to collect photos of some of the worst of the worst to share here. Happy viewing!

Not a horrible copy, yet the damsel in distress has a bad case of wonky vision.

Upon closer inspection, I don't recall Maria Conchito Alonso being in this. Hmmm...



Judging from the "babe" to the right, there's more than one snake threat in this film.

Co-starring Demond Wilson as Carl Weathers and Terry "Hulk" Hogan as "Big Dummy."

Never heard of this one, but I'm oddly intrigued... just not arranging-a-vacation-to-South-Africa-to-rent-this intrigued.

All this time, I thought Michelle Rodriguez co-starred in this BRUTAL FILM!

How do we trick customers into renting BLOODRAYNE 2 instead of the original BLOODRAYNE? (Pssstttt... We won't paint a "2" on the poster!)

"Hi, Valley Home Video? Yes, I was in your store earlier today and meant to pick up that Sinbad movie starring Patrick Wayne, but when I got home and opened the rental case, the tape for THE CALIF OF BAGDAD was in it's place. Apparently, it co-stars a woman who has endured several upon several brick hits to the face ...and I had my heart set on Jane Seymour. I want my 1.50 in shillings credited to my account, please."

Steve Austin or Chunk Voorhees? You decide!

"I need to commission another poster from you. Turns out that neither Johnny Depp nor Omar Epps star in BLOOD DIAMOND."

I've never heard of this one and that's the end of discussion ...2.

Fuck it. I think I'll rent LA BAMBA again.

Obviously not the Clive Barker film and it looks to be a real hack job. Gerf!

When you're IN HELL, advertising that you are "in" IN HELL is nothing short of redundant.

For the uninitiated, this represents the short-lived MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST television series. I was a fan. Better than the movies, in my opinion. Anyway... well, I've got nothing. I just like MKC.

OUTSIDE THE LAW and outside the realm of possibility that we're supposed to believe that's Cynthia Rothrock.

First of all, they've confused their David Carradine with their Martin Sheen. Secondly, this one isn't that bad and a much more realistic build to Carradine's character than the U.S. one sheet boasted. A Cannon Group fave!

I've had little to no interest in seeing QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY and this certainly isn't helping.

Anthony LaPage?! Anne Parilla?! Who the fuck is Joe Gennaro?! While I love John Landis' film, I don't think I'm ready for this alternate version which apparently stars Danny Thomas and Taimak.

You ARE trying to entice viewers, right?



Clearly this isn't THE ROAD WARRIOR, but I'd suspect that it's THUNDER WARRIOR instead, since that definitely looks like Mark Gregory, but that doesn't look like Bo Svenson. Ah, hell... I give up!

Alright, aside from the non-intimidating small henchman in the bottom right corner, this doesn't look too bad.

Fact: I'm a Daniel Bernhardt fan. Another fact: TRUE VENGEANCE is my favorite of his films. Another 'nother fact: Paul Le Mat does not appear in this film. One more another fact: Unless this is a composite version which incorporates scenes from Bernhardt's BLOODSPORT II: THE NEXT KUMITE, there should be no Kumite-leaping action on this poster.

I have no clue what film they're representing with this one, but ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE lawyers should take note!

Just when you thought this post was over, you've taken a second WRONG TURN and are now you're riding an inbred, big wheel nightmare in a cul-de-sac just south of nowhere. Be scared!

Monday, June 25, 2012

A Truly Odd Coupling

Yes, it seems a bit strange, but considering these were two of Paramount's biggest money makers in 1968, this double bill does seem quite fitting.

Damn, I wish I was around during that time to catch this!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Movie Tie-In Project Strikes Again!

First off...
Nathan Fillion appeared on the cover of last weekend's issue of Parade Magazine (June 10, 2012), holding up a copy of the Bantam movie tie-in for Peter Benchley's JAWS (complete with the "Now a spectacular motion picture from Universal" stamp on the cover). In the article he discusses his love for books in their true form and digitized counterparts, but the important thing is that he is touting JAWS.

Anyhow, that article/cover coincides nicely with the latest contribution to my on-going Movie Tie-In Project, the seventh slideshow installment.

Lotsa Paul Newman fare in this edition, along with Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman, Michael Douglas, Jack Nicholson, Roy Scheider, Arnold Schwarzenegger, William Goldman, Aliens, the BACK TO THE FUTURE trilogy, Batman, Billy Jack, Predator, WALKING TALL, Vic & Ramona and Shaft... John Shaft.

And, now, on with the show!

I've also set up one of them fancy YouTube playlists featuring all seven installments in sequential order (with future editions added upon completion)...

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

I haven't been on here in... AGES!

And, this is my first post in a long time. Well, I'm back.

First of all, I'm not really interested in seeing ROCK OF AGES, but being a stickler for detail and a life-long KISS fan, I can't not make mention of the tremendous faux pas which is in plain view on the theatrical poster. My guess is that Alec Baldwin's character is not a time traveler and if this is a period film which takes place in 1987, then why is he sporting a KISS tee from their Alive Worldwide/Reunion tour of 1996?!

Lazy, folks.

To add insult to injury, Russell Brand is in the film!

That is all.
Time for some gripe water...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Videophile Nostalgia: Magnavision Laserdisc

Quite the rarity, here is the 1981 demonstration program for Magnavox's Magnavision Laserdisc player (VH-8000) hosted by Leonard Nimoy...




Special thanks to YT user TheAisleSeatCom for uploading this gem!

Added Bonus (courtesy of pop culture archivist RobAtSea2009)...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Behind Them Scenes: FIRST BLOOD

Orion Pictures Corporation & Anabasis N.V., 1982
Directed by Ted Kotcheff
Starring Sylvester Stallone

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I realize this entry is far from the beaten path of this blog's intended purpose. But, it's my damn dirty blog and I'll cry if I wanna, see?!

Not entirely certain what the purpose of this latest offering from Wolfgang Van Halen & Co. truly is, but (strictly for grins and possible guffaws) I thought I'd give the lyrics a go (my best interpretation, at least). So, in true 'read along adventure' book & record &/or tape style fashion, dig these crazy lyrics while the music video plays.
Let's begin now!


I got Elvis on my elbow.
What I fix, Elvis jogged.
I've got hoot owls on the back of my legs.
Cream cheese who-ores when I walk.
Sleeping cherry red...
Screaming 'lectric green...
Mo-mo mountain's majesty will talk to me...
Talk to me, babe!

Swap meet salad...
Tramp's damp cat...
Mousewife to momshell in the time it took to get that new tattoo...
Tattoo. Tattoo.

Show me your dragon magic...
So, I don't buy your crappy!
Best believe that needle will hurt you.
Best decieve these true colors that follow one of your false virtues.
There's a secret to make you think.
Why is this crazy stuff we never sell poultry in ink?
Spooky Lego bread...
Explode opaque...
Mo-mo mountain's majesty, show me you, I'll show you me.

Swap meet salad...
Tramp's damp cat...
Mousewife to momshell in the time it took to get that new tattoo...
Tattoo. Tattoo.
Saggy dragon matches!
So very auto-bio-graphic!
Got a hold on may!
People put a spell on may!
Hey-ey! Hey-ey! Hey-heah!
Brown dove! Do-ove!
???????? Ahhhh-ahhhh! Yeah-ah-ah!

(Guitar Solo)

Ol' Bo Derek had a cold tattoo...
Fe-fi-fo, the unions...
Some of us still doo.
On my shoulder is a number of the cabin he was in...
And, that number is forever like the struggle here to win.

Swap meet salad...
Tramp's damp cat...
Mousewife to momshell in the time it took to get that new tattoo...
Tattoo. Tattoo.
Tattoo. Tattoo.
Sexy dragon magic!
So very auto-bio-graphic(al)!
Got a hold on may!
Put a spell on may!
I'll be in love with you!
Show me me, show me you!
Look at me and look at Yor!

The End.

* While "tattoo" is mentioned several times, this particular verse sounds like "Type Two! Type Two!" ...or, that's just me.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Movie Tie-In A Go-Go!

Okay, it's about time I launched another batch of movie tie-ins from my collection. This installment features a few alternate editions of tie-ins which have been represented previously...

And now, on with the show...

I'm pretty proud of myself for tracking down the tie-in for WINDOWS, since it's a movie that MGM/UA has all but buried. 32 years since it's extremely brief release in theaters (January 18th to be precise) and it has yet to garner any official U.S. home video release.
(Attention: MGM Limited Edition Collection!)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Thumb Trippin'

I found this on YouTube recently and shared it on Facebook.
But, it dawned on me...
"Why wouldn't I post this on my damn movie blog?!"
So, here it is (some vicious laughs to be had here, folks)...
Gene Siskel & Roger Ebert in TRUE PALS!

Why Siskel & Ebert never got an endorsement deal with McDonald's is beyond me.

(Miss you, Gene!)

Monday, January 09, 2012

JAWS - The Storybook

In early 1983, I was in Kindergarten and, as a school project, we made our own books. Rather than come up with something original, I thought it best to tackle something that hadn't been done before, a storybook for JAWS. Hell, if STAR WARS and THE MUPPET MOVIE could have storybooks, why not JAWS? (Not counting the children's books that were inspired by JAWS 2, which weren't true story books.)

So, my 6-year-old mind came up with some crazy hodge-podge adaptation of both JAWS and JAWS 2 (JAWS 3-D hadn't yet been released). I now present you with this fine(?) publication (limited to one copy) of my attempt at a big fish story. (Brace yourself. Logic, narrative and fine illustrations clearly weren't a priority.)

People, get ready!

So far, so good.

Blame it on the ocean spray.

I have no idea what that monstrosity is.
Certainly not albatross.

Here's my clever way of introducing a scene from JAWS 2,
while jumping immediately to the conclusion of said film.
Damn those electric sticks!

Fairly certain this wasn't the end, rather the first act
of the original film, but close enough.

Not much has changed here...

...or, here, really.

Now, if only I could find that James Bond book I made...