Monday, October 03, 2011

Tatum O'Neal's Oscillating Fan

So, I had to make a trip to the post office today. As I arrived, there was a long line (not unusual for this location) and, lucky me, I got to stand directly behind the person who smelled like poop. Yes, poop. As if they had shat themselves. This Zelda Rubinstein-proportioned frog-looking woman was neither too young nor too old to be up to such a stink, but she was. Good times!

As the line diminished, "Froggy" was up next. While waiting for her turn, she placed her items on the mailing station/island in front of the service desk. There, I was able to get a closer look at what she was handling: a letter addressed to Tatum O'Neal, along with a copy of her hardback book, FOUND. Instantly, I was amazed by this woman's eccentricity. Not only does she not believe in bathing and/or wiping, but she has somehow retrieved Ms. O'Neal's address (presumably) and intends to send her a fan letter (the contents of which, I can only imagine). As for the book, at the time, I wasn't sure if she intended to send it along with a request for a personalized signature from Ms. O'Neal, or if she would perform a passage from it to the captive audience of one at the front desk. Whatever the case, I knew it would prove to be somewhat entertaining. And, I was somewhat correct. (A bit too predictable, but an entertaining time-waster nonetheless, with an accent on "time-waster.")

Froggy: (Stuttering) "I'd like to send this envelope and I'd like to send this book to the same address."
Postal Worker: "Well, ma'am, you will need to package the book and address it before we can move further."
Froggy: "But, but... Can you do it for me?"
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am."
Froggy: "But, but... Don't you have boxes back there that you can put it in?"
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am. Nothing to ship a large item with, just standard envelopes. You'll have to get a box from..."
Froggy: (Completely cutting him off, since she doesn't like what he has to say) "But, but... They've done it for me before..." (Classic line!)
Postal Worker: "No, ma'am. As I was saying, you'll have to go to the shipping station over there and select a box that is big enough for your item to fit in. You may also want to select one that's big enough to house another box, a bit smaller, that you can address to yourself, so that the recipient can send the item back to you."
Froggy: "What?"
Postal Worker: (Repeats previous statement.)
Froggy: "Uh... where?"
Postal Worker: "All the different sized boxes are over there by the copy machine. Once you're done packaging the item, we can help you further."
Froggy: (Blank stare) "But, but... okay, alright."
Postal Worker: (Motioning to me) "Yes, sir?!"
Me: (After waiting for the mumbling shambles of Froggy to pass by so that I can make my way to the desk) "Yes, I've got two items I'd like to ship. One for Tatum O'Neal, the other for her father, Ryan."
Postal Worker: (Laughs)
Me: "But, seriously..."


So, there you have it.
Please keep Ms. Tatum O'Neal in your thoughts. Her fan base doesn't seem to be made up of the smartest bee stings. I'm hoping that when her novel gets published in paperback that it will be a revised edition, featuring a new chapter about the importance of hygiene.